Me the Peaceful Heart

Monday morning. Sitting on the stage between Hilary Austin and Valerie Farrow, I had butterflies in my stomach. The time for practice was over, this was the real thing. In a few minutes I’d lead the way to the rostrum and kick off our assembly in front of a thousand kids. With my hair combed and my tie straight, I was as smart as I could be. I’d even removed my jumper at Miss Lake’s request. For symmetry, she said. So I sat there in my white shirt, looking as symmetrical as I could between the girls in their red jumpers, and waited.

The first class arrived. One line of kids stretched cross the hall was nothing to worry about, but when another class arrived and teachers began occupying the chairs on stage, I couldn’t help getting anxious. By the time the hall had filled and Miss Chalkley the headmistress had done her introductory bit, I was a nervous wreck. 

‘Today’s assembly will be taken by form 2A1’ was our cue to stand up and take centre stage.

Clonk! Clonk! Clonk!

Footsteps never sounded so loud, but that was the least of my worries as I concentrated on projecting my voice to the back of the hall.

‘July the fifteenth, Saint Swithin’s Day!’ I announced. A good start, but hearing my lone voice unnerved me. Though I carried on reading, the quiver in my voice spread to my legs as stage fright took hold. My legs were trembling so much it’s a miracle I remained standing. Then something really strange happened – the facial features of a thousand kids just disappeared. All I saw were circles, row upon row of them. Glad to get my bit out of the way and let the girls take over, the experience left me drained and determined never to do it again.

Miss Lake sacrificed another French lesson…

Hooray!

…so we could rehearse the show we were putting on for our end of term social evening with 2A2. The only act I knew anything about was our football play, summoned from the substitutes’ bench when Eddie and the rest pulled the plug on their Alf Garnett imitation. Unsustainable was the message I got when the lads told me our play was taking its place. They were chuffed to get a second chance, yet disbelieving when I told them I wanted no part of it.

‘Come on, we’ll have a laugh!’

‘Go ahead, I’m not stopping you.’

‘But it’s your play.’

‘It’s yours now.’

Miffed that our play had been snubbed in the first place, I didn’t want to know. After getting hustled out of the front door, I wasn’t prepared to be ushered in quietly through the back. Miss Fyshe could get stuffed.

The show’s rehearsal was held in the room behind the stage, a room I’d not been in before. The lads in the play did their job well, as expected, but my greater interest was for the surprise packets. Vicki Crook had an act lined up, as did Ann Howe and Diane Jarrett, but it was the trio of Toni Walters, Jane Taylor and Julie Mills that showed their hand first and a bit more besides, when they appeared in black leotards.

I wondered what was going on when the three of them stood on chairs and put their hands in the air, like they were about to dive into a swimming pool.

Then Miss Lake put a single on the record player… and on the first note of Lulu’s Me the Peaceful Heart the girls leapt from their chairs and started dancing.

I exploded with laughter. Bad mannered and off-putting as it surely was, I just couldn’t help it. As the girls wriggled and gyrated, I rocked on my chair. Their serious faces made it worse. With tears streaming down my face I fell off the chair and rolled on the floor, locked in a grip of laughter that spread to everyone else, including Miss Lake, who could barely tell me off for laughing herself.

I recovered in time to be seated for the next act – Ann and Diane.

Theirs was a mime to Cinderella Rockefella, with Ann taking the male part.

That’s a bit odd; Aggie doing the bloke’s bit. Blimey, look at Diane Jarrett… no wonder she’s got Aggie singing to her. How could any boy do that?

Next up was Vicki Crook with another mime act. If Ann and Diane had done well then Vicki was sensational. It took a lot of guts to go it alone and she put all she had into a performance of Hey Big Spender.

Bravo! Clap! Clap! Clap!

The rehearsal couldn’t have gone any better. Roll on the end of term party.