The Ink Fight

December 1966. The class of 1A1 was fully integrated. Characters had emerged, friendships had been made, alliances had been formed and the pecking order was all but established.

On a grey afternoon the lights were on long before school ended at four o’clock, yet nothing could lift the gloom in my heart as 1A1 traipsed up the staircase to Mister Berger’s classroom for the last lesson of the day. Science, the dreariest subject on the timetable, was a twice weekly ordeal that could make half an hour seem endless. 

On entering the classroom a sharp left kept me well away from Mister Berger’s desk by the window. Three rows back, I took a desk beside Eddie Adams, who’d parked himself on the end of the row.

Much to my surprise Mister Berger, standing behind the classroom door, was in conversation with Head Boy Geoff Bray, a rising star in the football world. What was he doing in our classroom I wondered. Then something wonderful happened; Mister Berger left.

‘Just read your library books or get on with some homework,’ said Geoff, as he strolled across the classroom to make himself comfortable at Mister Berger’s desk by the window.

‘Berger’s not coming back? No Science? Hooray!’

Though Eddie and I flopped our school library books on our desks, we sensibly decided to get some homework done, only my head was still buzzing from Mister Berger’s departure and I found it hard to concentrate. As my mind wandered I observed how dark it was getting outside. Then I observed how the rest of the class seemed to be absorbed in their work. I observed too, how relaxed our minder appeared, sitting nonchalantly behind Mister Berger’s desk. Other than the odd rustle of a page being turned, all was quiet. A peaceful, scholarly atmosphere existed until…

…an ink spatter appeared on the pages of my exercise book.

Eddie apologised. An accident, he said. It surely was, but a quick flick of my fountain pen made us even anyway. Eddie wasn’t happy. He took exception to the violation and gave my exercise book another spattering, which I duly returned with interest. Then Eddie spattered me across the mush and an ink fight broke out.

Alerted by the commotion, our stand-in teacher sprang to his feet and came to investigate.

‘What’s going on? You two, stand up. Come here… and bring your library books with you.’

Eddie led the way to the front of the class. With a heavy heart I followed, nervous and fearful.

‘Well, well, what shall we do with these two?’ our minder asked, loud and theatrically, which raised a titter round the classroom.

I squirmed, sensing a show up. Sure enough, comments about Spotty Muldoon and Spotted Dick turned titters into shrieks of laughter. The class loved it, not least the fawning females on the front row, who lapped it up.

‘Let’s see your book,’ Geoff said to Eddie.

After a cursory glance through the pages of a book about gardening, he gave it back to Eddie and instructed him to read to the class – a doddle for Eddie, who’d quickly established himself as an orator in assembly and drama.

The certain knowledge that I’d next filled me with dread. It didn’t matter that five years of living in Gillingham had taken the edge off my Northern accent, I knew exactly what coming having heard it all before from people who rhymed grass with arse.

After calling time on Eddie’s boring monologue, our minder asked to see my book.

His eyes lit up. ‘Ah, this is more like it! I can’t wait to hear this!’ After a quick flick through the pages he gave it back and told me to read it, then leaned back in his chair.

I’d no sooner got the first sentence out when I heard my words coming back at me in a mock northern accent. With laughter ringing around the classroom, our head boy continued his mimicry, much to the delight of the girls on the front row. Conscious of my burning cheeks, I kept my head down and muddled along, focusing on the words of Jimmy Greaves as I battled through the hysteria. Even Eddie was laughing, the rotten sod.

After what seemed like an age the ordeal ended with Eddie and me being sent to get cleaned up ready for hometime. Mercifully, there was no further punishment, for which I was truly grateful.